Cheer up, the Indians' opener no longer requires winter hats/ Photo by Emanuel Wallace
If you’re anything like me, a master of positive thinking and a general treat of a human being, you’ve taken the past 10 weeks of quarantine to really re-calibrate your life and priorities. (I am now only subscribed to 11 OnlyFans accounts, for example.)
To put it more directly, NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE AND WE ARE ALL FREE TO TRULY LIVE LIKE ANIMALS.
Cleveland’s announcement that the Fourth of July is now moved to September 19
has only emboldened me in my new blissful journey deeper into the center of chaos. So as an artist and visionary, I’ve taken the reins from Mayor Frank Jackson and re-structured the holiday calendar, a process that is long overdue. I think you’ll agree the new schedule is ideal.
JANUARY 15 / THANKSGIVING 1:
Let’s be real, January and February are the coldest, grayest months of the year and you nor I have any interest in digging ourselves out of our Holiday Hangover. For what? To look and feel good for fucking Valentine’s Day? (More on that later) No. You need a get-together with your friends and family to continue those great eating habits you developed around the original Thanksgiving date and cruised through the New Year with. Thanksgiving 1 is now in January. Something to look forward to in a truly stupid month. Pass the stuffing.
FEBRUARY 9 / SUPER MONDAY:
It’s been my long-held belief that the day after the Super Bowl should be a National Holiday and banks and schools should be closed. Well we’re doing that, and seeing as how the world is now upside down there’s a 100% chance the Browns will be in this year’s Big Game, which will also be the first Super Bowl played in front of an empty stadium. (I’ll take it, and sure as shit so will you.) We’ll probably need the whole week off for this one anyway after Baker takes us to the Promised Land. (That's legitimately a reference to the Vince Lombardi trophy and not a joke about the Cheesecake Factory.)
FEBRUARY 14 / VALENTINE’S DAY:
Dumb month, dumb holiday. We get it. If you have a significant other, enjoy your date at Olive Garden and fooling each other into the lie that you’re gonna try some new sex moves later on. If you’re single, you can find me on Instagram at @okpants. I’m a soft heart with a robust exterior, I smell pretty good most of the time, and I apply max effort.
MARCH 17 / ST. PATRICK’S DAY:
No changes needed here for the 'Mad Max: Thunderdome' of holidays. Enjoy your blackout and try not to fight anyone, yourself included.
APRIL 1 / FRIENDSGIVING POWERED BY MR HERO:
This is basically the same rules as Festivus except you eat Mr. Hero with your friends and probably drink entirely too much. It’s Cleveland though, so the weather is still shitty and it also doesn’t matter. Order the side of cheese sauce, thank me later.
APRIL 24 OR WHATEVER THE LAST SUNDAY OF THE MONTH IS / EASTER:
I’m Jewish and I barely understand the rules of this holiday, so no offense Catholics, this is now Easter. Anyway, you simply don’t need the pressure of getting ham and creme eggs ready mere days after Friendsgiving. Take a few weeks for yourself, watch the weather continue to be shitty outside. I’m looking out for you here.
MAY 7 / DYNGUS DAY:
The weather theoretically should be nice enough by now for you to pretend you’re Polish or that you knew what this holiday was previous to 2017. Anyway, same rules as St. Paddy’s day apply here. Have fun and try not to pass out under a highway overpass.
JUNE 3 / INDIANS HOME OPENER:
Yes, the Indians have been playing for like three months now at this point, but a) it was like 40 degrees in April and b) we have a lot of action going on earlier in the year, so let’s just celebrate this shit on this day. Hot Dogs & White Claws for everyone. Why not. Just a very reasonable and delightful day off to be with friends with no parkas involved.
JULY 4 / SUMMER THANKSGIVING:
For whatever reason the 4th of July has been moved to Sept. 19 now. Don’t look at me, it wasn’t my call. Go ahead and jam some sparklers up a turkey’s ass if you want. You can catch me eating stuffing in a pool somewhere.
SEPTEMBER 19 / THE NEW FOURTH OF JULY, POWERED
BY OHIO PIE CO.
: The same holiday you’ve come to know and love, only on Sept. 19 and now we eat pizza and blow off fireworks. This is my vision — now we eat pizza. It’s America’s food. Deal with it.
OCTOBER 31 / HALLOWEEN:
The perfect holiday. The best holiday. Go dress up and listen to The Misfits.
NOVEMBER 3 / ELECTION DAY
: What better pot of gold to await us after we as a nation, UNITED AS ONE, finally overcome the worst pandemic of the past 100 years. Yay, us!
NOVEMBER 26 / THANKSGIVING 3, POWERED BY GETGO:
Gather 'round the table and get down on a bounty of long-form sandwiches you designed using a touch screen at a local gas station! We’re in the home stretch!
DECEMBER 10-DECEMBER 18 / HANUKKAH:
The Eight Crazy Nights! Blow out the menorah and watch Uncut Gems!
DECEMBER 25 / CHRISTMAS, POWERED BY AMAZON:
You already know the yearly tradition, the family all gathers around the tree and exchanges Amazon Gift Cards and nibbles on cookies. A truly beautiful time where the entire world consumes as one.
DECEMBER 28 / HALLOWEEN 2:
If we’re being honest, 2020 has gone EXACTLY like the week between Christmas and New Year’s: No one’s leaving the house, everyone’s overeating and stressed out, and no one has any idea what day it is. What better reason to cram a second installment of the best holiday right in here? Dress up like a happy person. The end is near.
DECEMBER 31 / NEW YEAR’S EVE:
Assuming we all make it this far, congrats. It’s finally over. Get fucking hammered. You earned it.