I once considered joining the Marines, then realized I could better serve my country as a Civil War reenactor. If you saw me in my Stonewall Jackson outfit, you’d know why the Daughters of the Confederacy email blast once cited my “stirring performance” as “the finest of the day, marred only by repeated falls from his horse.”
I mention this to establish my patriotic bona fides. For I come to you with a grave warning: We’re about to witness the greatest voting fraud since “Brokeback Mountain” won three Oscars.
Agents of the radical left – like Ohio Governor Mike DeWine – are conspiring to steal the coming election. Their weapon of mass destruction: expanding mail-in voting, a scourge rising in socialist hotbeds from Kansas to Nebraska, Montana to South Dakota.
Their cover story is so-called “safety.” They argue that the coronavirus makes in-person voting lethal, that no one should have to die to pick the next Geauga County auditor. But their real plan is clear: Mail allows more people to vote. Which favors candidates I don’t like. Which can only mean massive fraud.
Yes, I know what the so-called “facts” say: That voter fraud
is as common as getting impregnated by a wolverine. That even President Trump’s own Commission on Election Integrity could find no evidence
But that’s not the point. The point is that if you just keep saying something over and over, it becomes true without needing facts. And the mail – while perfectly fine for such non-essential matters as tax returns, paychecks, driver’s licenses, bank statements, passports, and Social Security cards – is no place to hold an election.
First off, nobody even knows how to use the mail anymore. What if my buddy Jim thinks he’s redeeming an oil change coupon, only to find out he voted a straight Green Party ticket?
Second off, it makes the election a “safe space,” putting the fate of the republic in the hands of the weak.
My 90-year-old grandpa votes by mail. He claims he fought in Korea, even though he uses a walker. Are we supposed to believe he joined the charge at Inchon when he can only move 30-feet an hour? Liar.
Then there’s the diabetics and cancer survivors who complain about their so-called “compromised immune systems.” I have seasonal allergies, and you don’t hear me whining about it.
If single moms can’t get off work or find a babysitter, they shouldn’t get knocked up or have a job in the first place.
As I’m sure we can all agree, government should be run like a business. And businesses know how to deal with malcontents. Have you ever called AT&T customer service? You wait on hold for 30 minutes before being disconnected. That’s how you weed out the snowflakes who aren’t serious about matters of state or getting their internet fixed.
I could see why mail voting might be useful, like if I broke my legs, which is what the guys at work have threatened to do if I don’t stop talking about Fortnite. But what good is it when it only helps other people?
It’s not fair that I diligently participate in democracy, only to get out-voted. If people who don’t matter can cast ballots, what will become of our great leaders like Jim Jordan, Ted Cruz, and that guy from Tennessee
who thinks abortion is murder except when it involves his mistresses?
If Mike DeWine and the radical left want to rig an election, they should at least have the self-respect to do it the right way. Like wiping out
voter registrations. Or closing
polling sites. Or making the lines three hours long in black neighborhoods
. Or gerrymandering districts so they look like a sea dragon
Simply allowing more people to vote wreaks of amateurishness. And fraud. Don’t forget the fraud part.
On November 3, you’ll find me at the polls in my Stonewall Jackson dress grays, sword glimmering under the fluorescent lights, the old ladies trembling with reverence. A patriot doesn’t vote by mail. A patriot stands to be counted.
In the meantime, I’ll probably stop talking about Fortnite. The whole affect might be lost if my mom has to push me in a wheelchair.