Sadly, Our Well-Armed Militia Will Not Battle Tyranny at This Time


  • Photo by Steve Neavling

Fellow NRA members, Lorain County Chapter:

You may be aware that unidentified federal agents are abducting people off the streets in Portland, Oregon, holding them without charges. As Floyd Benson notes, this is precisely the tyranny we’ve been awaiting since this chapter was founded 63 years ago. At last night’s emergency meeting, he raised a motion to activate our well-armed militia.

The debate could only be described as “robust,” perhaps even “muscular.” Yet after lengthy deliberation, the board voted 8-1 not to battle tyranny at this time.

We realize some of you may be disappointed. And by no means should this be seen as a reflection of our willingness as a fighting force, nor as a dimming of our commitment to armed conflict. It’s just that unforeseen circumstances make our beliefs somewhat tenuous at this time.

Our reasoning is as follows:

Logistical Concerns
Though a block of seats was available on Spirit Airlines, they do not serve lunch, presenting undue risk to our members with Type II diabetes. Moreover, long arms, ammunition and tactical gear are not considered carry-on, requiring an additional payment of $50 per item.

Spirit also requires masks. The board concluded this would amount to our tacit approval of one tyranny only to fight another, which didn’t make any sense.

Combat Readiness
As you know, most of our training over the past few years has consisted of our annual reenactment of the Battle of Shiloh at the county fair and playing Call of Duty. While in no way are we calling into question the value of these exercises, they may not have adequately prepared us for a counter-offensive against federal forces.

We would also be fighting without many of our finest citizen-soldiers. Mike Gravelle tweaked his ankle playing softball last month. Ronnie Smolinski already promised his daughter she could take his AK for show-and-tell at Bible camp. And a sizable portion of our troops didn’t want to miss the VFW dart league playoffs, which start this week.

Probability of Mission Success
Though Floyd predicted federal retreat at our mere presence, others were less certain. Jack Foligno heard that Portland only has vegan restaurants, which would leave our regiment fatigued during a running firefight. Others were concerned the Motel 6 isn’t adequately fortified to repel an assault. Still others thought the idea of battle sounded “cooler” in theory, but was starting to sound “less cool” now.

As such, many members felt the conditions were “dangerous” and “scary,” though we settled on the official phrasing of “sub-optimal.” There was also grave concern about how late the liquor stores stayed open.

Yet as Tammy Dubnyk noted, the prospect of a new Biden regime should provide for way better tyranny down the road.

By another 8-1 vote, the board chose instead to host a pig roast at Jimmy McGovern’s place. Members will be invited to discuss their exploits had we actually gone to Portland. It will be BYOB. Jimmy asks that someone bring the macaroni salad.

Yours in freedom at some other time,
Commander Jerry Graybo

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