The terror is still fresh in Congressman Steve Chabot’s mind. The Cincinnati Republican recalls cowering under a desk on the House floor, weeping as urine streamed down his leg. Terrorists had stormed the Capitol. Though these were his people, he feared “it would turn into a Deliverance situation. Our base has a lot of pent-up sexual aggression.”
It was supposed to be a joyous day. Republicans had finally realized there were only so many voters willing to suspend logic or reason. So Chabot and four fellow Ohio Republicans
– Jim Jordan of Urbana, Bill Johnson of Marietta, Bob Gibbs of Lakeville, and Warren Davidson of Troy – were among those deciding to take matters into their own hands.
They planned to throw out the November election. Not their own victories. Just the illegal races they lost. If they simply voted to seize power, the country would soon return its attention to dying en masse from Covid. Republicans would rule forever more.
But when it became clear they didn’t have the votes, President Donald Trump sicced rioters on Congress. Armed
with guns, zip ties, Molotov cocktails and pipe bombs, terrorists stormed the Capitol, hunting for enemies.
Fortunately, the five Ohioans – known as the “Treason Caucus” – were squired to safety by children from a nearby elementary school, experts with years of training in active shooter drills. The congressmen whimpered while hiding under Rep. Marcy Kaptur’s skirt. Two weeks later, they still show the bruises from being punched by female colleagues, who feared the men’s pitched wails would betray their location to assassins.
In retrospect, Rep. Bob Gibbs now admits that inciting a violent mob wasn’t the best way to overthrow democracy. “We thought if we just told a few white lies about election fraud, they’d take some libtards hostage, like that plot to kidnap the Michigan governor
. The goal was to put other people in harm’s way, not us.”
Unfortunately, democracy survived. In the two weeks since, the Treason Caucus returned to the drawing board, hoping to fashion a “less scary” way to overthrow the government. For Rep. Bill Johnson, the Georgia Senate races were the last straw. Even with a blizzard of voter suppression laws
, he concedes the Republican platform of corporate tax cuts and bagging on immigrants can no longer win elections.
“Weirdly enough, people don’t get pumped anymore when Amazon doesn’t have to pay taxes
,” he says. “It was clear we needed to get more creative in denying people the vote.”
That creativity was evident at a press conference this morning, when the caucus unveiled its new bill, the Let’s Still Pretend There’s Election Fraud Act.
Privately, the congressmen admit they still have no evidence of fraud
. “I mean, 60 lawsuits and not a shred of evidence, right?” laughs Rep. Warren Davidson. “But at this critical juncture for the nation, now is not the time to confront reality.”
For inspiration, the caucus returned to the heyday of voter suppression, the Jim Crow Era of the Old South. Among the highlights of the bill:
- Polling sites will be restricted to gun ranges and Pentecostal churches.
- All voters must prove U.S. citizenship. Accepted IDs include a concealed carry permit, a Hobby Lobby Rewards Club card, or a ticket stub for the Grand Ole Opry.
- Voters must also pass a “patriotism test,” which “shall consist of 10 NASCAR trivia questions.”
- Female voters will be required to “clean the bathrooms” and “make a plate of sandwiches” before their ballots are legally counted.
- Any voter can contest the legitimacy of another citizen’s vote. This can be accomplished by “holding the suspect citizen at gunpoint” and “shouting incomprehensibly about Jews, Blacks or A-rabs.”
- Drop boxes for absentee ballots will be restricted to “militia compounds” and “the couch of a friend where a Proud Boy is crashing.”
- Ohio Secretary of State Frank LaRose will have the right to burn ballots of his choosing in the alley behind his office.
- In the event of irregularities, real or imagined, a congressman may simply yell “fraud.” At that point, all ballots will be tossed, and voting will resume until the desired outcome is achieved.
With socialists now in control of Congress, Rep. Jim Jordan admits the bill has little chance of passing. Yet if all else fails, he still believes that “America is a country where anything can be achieved through hard work, an angry mob, and a few thousand rounds of ammo.”